Like most people when I first heard Netflix was launching in the UK, I shot to the computer and blindly signed up for the one month free trial. After all, our American cousins had been shouting it’s praises for years. “Huzzah!” I exclaimed as I entered my Visa card details, safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to sign up for the abortion of streaming services “Lovefilm”.

Unfortunately it was immediately after this I realized that Netflix had segregated the US and UK markets. Meaning instead of getting the latest releases in film and TV, we are treated to old re-runs of Faulty Towers and Shameless… great. Not that there is anything wrong with Faulty Towers. It’s just that if you’re paying for a streaming service you want something that you can’t just go ahead and watch on GOLD every single day.

In hindsight I suppose it makes perfect sense. Streaming services rely on contracts with production companies and broadcast stations, licenses, copyright and a whole host of other red tape needs to be dealt with before they can air a single minute of TV. Annnd this is the problem. You see, the UK film market is very different from the US one. It’s already very well established and competition is fierce. BskyB/Sky Movies currently have a stranglehold on the entire UK film distribution holding exclusive deals with nearly all of the major Hollywood players.

Now while Netflix may be huge in the US, it actually operates on razor thin margins. Some reports suggest Netflix earns as little as 800k profit a year with the international markets currently operating at a net loss of -£56k per quarter. What all of this means is it’s very unlikely Netflix will ever be able to outbid Sky’s contracts and thus can’t get the rights to all the latest film releases.

So, what options are we left with? Spend £30+ a month with Sky to enjoy Hot Tub Time Machine. Stream films illegally and wade through the torrents of weight loss ads. Or just accept that the UK gets screwed over in the films department and go back to watching Faulty Towers re-runs. Because seriously, fuck Lovefilm.

The film opens with an infamous clip from 1977. Anita Bryant; self-confessed homophone and ridiculous hairdo sporter, is talking at a press conference about her crusade to “do away with the homosexuals.” Before she can reveal the details on what I’m sure is a very sensible and prudent plan, an angry protester (or possibly confused clown) hits her square in the face with a fruit pie. Now, imagine you’re Anita, you’re at a press conference talking about what an awful human being you are and this scandalous, rotten, pie monster has ruined everything with his creamy brand of justice! What do you do? Well you have two options:

A: Get security to remove this scoundrel, wipe the crust off your chin and continue your bigoted tirade amicably. OR

B: Stop everything and pray for this man in the most weird, patronising way possible, right there, cameras all around, cream still dripping from your chin. You dirty, dirty cow.

Which do you pick? And remember, you’re completely removed from reality.

For the Bible Tells Me So is a documentary that tells the stories of five right-wing, deeply Christian family’s all of whom have a gay son or daughter. The interviews with these family’s vary from town to age to ethnicity but they all focus on one thing: what happened when these kids came out to their strictly religious parents. A strong theme but it’s built up very slowly, which both helps and hinders the documentary. We get to know these people, their past, their fears, their hopes. Making our emotional involvement all the more intense. The downside is some may turn off all interest long before then as this documentary suffers from a “flabby middle” where it builds so slowly it loses pace around the halfway mark before a big finale.

Despite this (and a patronising animation half way through the film) For the Bible Tells Me So is a sweet well meaning film with an interesting story to tell.

Overall Rating: 4/5

So apparently congress is debating whether or not to pass a bill that will effectively censor the internet (at least in the US and all US websites) 

The bill, named “Protect IP” enables the entertainment industry to remove any content or website they see fit that infringes upon their copyright. In fact, not even their copyright, any copyright. It has the power to take down any website, block any user or, in fact, sue anybody they damn well please. Websites like “Facebook” and “Twitter” hell even Tumblr will be required to actively filter 100% of the content their users post, since the website will be held accountable and possibly shut down. 

Somebody posts a link to a website containing copyright? Censored. In fact the bill is so ambiguously worded that it just about includes anything, people on Youtube could see their accounts banned for singing a song from Viacom or any other music company.

Forget game review websites such as AVGN or Machinima sill operating. Incorporating anything from a song, news article, film trailer could see your account banned, or at the very least your content deleted.  

The consequences of this bill being passed are dire. It will almost certainly wipe our or cripple most start up companies since they don’t have the time or resources to manually filter 100% of their content. The internet itself will be way less stable with everyone operating almost on a different version, especially if country’s outside of the US follow suit with their own versions of the bill. Voices of the internet will be constantly monitored; everyone from vloggers to bloggers, article writers and forum members will not have the freedom to say what they want. 

… Oh, and this is all costing the US $47 MILLION a year to implement. 

With Green Lantern just recently hitting cinema’s worldwide you have to wonder how long Hollywood is riding its superhero phase. It’s not like superhero films are anything new, but they where few and far between at one point. That is up until 2002 when Sam Rami directed the massive hit “Spiderman” it won over the critics AND became a commercial success you say? Well boys, fire up a sequel! (incidentally has anyone watched Spiderman lately. That CGI did NOT age well.)

The Superhero genre peaked in 2008 with the massive hits Dark Knight, in which Christian Bale does his best to imitate a human cement mixer, and Iron Man in which Robert Downey JR intimates everything I aspire to be in life. And that’s where it should have ended for a while, it had a good 6 year run and Hollywood banked a few billion. But it didn’t of course, Iron man had to get a sequel. I can already see how the production meeting went…

Producer 1: Hey jerry

Producer 2: Yeah?

Producer 1: Remember when Spiderman 3 grossed $890,000,000 despite having to many main characters, a convoluted plot, an angsty protagonist and a mismatched love story?  

Producer 2: Sure do.

Producer 1: Great I want you to take those elements and slap them into an Iron man 2 script by Friday… Oh and throw in a drunk Russian with a death wish and some lightning whips!

Don’t get me wrong I love most of those superhero films. Or at least I did up until Toby Maguire sported an emo fringe. But the market is so over saturated now! It’s 2011 and we have Warner Bro’s scraping the bottom of the barrel with Green Lantern. More Batman (including a reboot after Nolan’s finished). Captain America, Thor, The Avengers, oh and a Spiderman Reboot, 4 years after the third film finished. 

I’ll know they’ve really hit rock bottom when I see Keanu Reeves on Letterman talking about his new role as Aquaman.

127 Hours is based on the true story of Aron Ralston. An experienced mountain climber who in may 2003 found himself in a life of death situation, completely isolated and trapped somewhere in Blue John Canyon for 5 days. But you probably already knew that, as did I before I walked into the cinema. It’s a testament to Danny Boyle’s direction that knowing almost the entire story, before we see it, takes little (if any) impact away from the film. It features some gorgeous cinematography of the baron Utah canyon, helping excentuate just how alone he is up here.

James Franco is superb in the role of Aron. He inhabits the role entirely, this, and some very clever camera work from Boyle ensures that we as the audience feel as much a part of this as Aron himself. Countless horror films that feature gratuitous bloodshed have trouble getting audiences to bat an eyelid. While 127 hours, a film that by today’s standards contains very little gore, manages skews the boundaries between audience and actor so that we no longer feel like an impartial third party. In other words it gets into your head, puts you on edge and leaves you square in the shoes of Aron Ralston.

This would be a challenging film for anyone to make. A solid 90 minute piece with only one central actor and one location can’t be the easiest screenplay to film. However this film fits the mantra that some risks are worth taking. It strikes a nice balance between appreciating what this guy went though without dragging it’s feet and being an endurance test. Boyle achieves this by making good use of flashbacks which give us just enough back story to see what he’s fighting for. He also has a camcorder in which he documents his experience with some truly heartbreaking and also surprisingly funny scenes.

This is one of those films that sticks with you hours, days after you’ve watched it. After the film there seemed to be a stunned silence, no one was rushing to the exit or shuffling to move. A quiet moment where people seemed to be reflecting on what they’ve just seen. All in all this is a triumph on every level. You leave the Cinema feeling much like Aron when he leaves the Canyon. Exhausted, unnerved and a great appreciation for your life.

Overall rating: 5/5

Have you ever watched Project Runway and thought “Hey this show’s great but instead of having vain, conceded fashion designers we should totally replace them with vain conceded artists!”… Me either, but apparently Bravo has as it’s just released the latest reality TV show “Work of art: The next great artist” The show follows the exact formula of Project Runway. Lock 14 sociopaths in a room and force them to complete certain challenges the winner gets 100k and a chance to exhibit their work. Hooray!

We start off with those quirky little 1 minute introductions to each of the contestants. Immediately my favourite becomes Ryan who looks like a metrosexual version of Liam Gallagher, he also comes out with lines like “I live to create and I create to live” You’d almost mistake him for a poet! (Nonsensical cliché’s can be a kind of poetry) The rest are all fairly standard picks for a reality show screening process, you’ve got the one with the God complex (Nao) who thinks she’s going to win the show hands down. The tortured artist (Miles) who seems to always be “over stimulated” The old one who probably has no shot but she’s bat shit crazy so get her on camera! And the rest…

They’re then given a chance to meet each other for the first time as they’re brought into a gallery room exhibiting everyone’s painting they submitted to get on the show. This gives them all the perfect chance to fake sincerity while bitching to the cameras about their work moments later. It’s then we get to meet our “experts” I say it in quotations because I’m not sure how qualified you have to be to tell someone their painting of black dots and lines just looks like a painting of dots and lines, never the less we are introduced to Simon De Pury a gallery owner. He’s an interesting character this Simon, he’s always friendly and smiling and yet it doesn’t feel sincere, no matter how much he smiles you just feel like he’s got a secret agenda, like Willy Wonka, or a friendly uncle.

There’s a reason I avoid B movies and it’s because well… They’re B movies, but when a title comes along like “Dinocroc Vs. Supergator” It has a strange effect on young men like me your head says no but your heart says GIANT ALLIGATORS!

The movie opens (as most B movies do) on a secret laboratory research island as a woman shouts unconvincingly over the world’s slowest siren “Everybody out! It’s escaped” Of course they’re talking about the 15 ft. alligator that’s strolling around popping scientists like breath mints. Really movie? Barely even in and already we see the creature in full daylight instantly killing any tension and suspense this film could have had. Seconds later the Dinocroc pop’s out of the facility too, happily munching scientists as it goes. (Incidentally the Dinocroc looks exactly like the supergater only it stands on its hind legs… Outstanding)

It’s safe to say this film is a mess from start to finish. The plot involves… well there isn’t really a plot just a million different sub-plots. To boil it down insane billionaire wants to genetically engineer stuff to gigantic proportions to, erm take over the world? I guess. Experiment goes awry (maybe because the facility in which he’s housing these massive creatures of destruction has NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER) from then on it’s a collaborative effort to stop these beasts of destruction featuring our quirky hero and his love interest a glorified park ranger, a crocodile hunter who packs a crossbow and a shotgun, and an evil British person (of course) and many others.

There isn’t a single developed character in the whole movie instead they introduce around THIRTEEN characters’ none of which I can remember because they’re so boring! It’s like the writers decided instead of actually creating even one memorable character they’ll just throw hundreds of disposable empty shells at us and hope something sticks. That’s like having 132 different flavours of skittles but each one tastes vaguely like shit.  

By far the worst part of this film is the dialogue, it’s cringing to watch. Combine corny straight out of the can dialogue with an over pronounced porn star level of acting and we get this:

 “C’mon baby, get me a beer”

“What?”

“C’mon it’s right there”

“It’s a good job you’re good in bed”

“I know” *smirks like a twat*

Like any B movie worth its salt the continuity errors are through roof for example when 5 mercenary’s with assault rifles and c4 fail to kill a giant crocodile they send in one Bounty hunter with a crossbow. A 90lb bikini clad girl is strong enough to play tug of war with a 20 ton alligator with her best friend as the rope and finally a man being swallowed whole from directly UNDERNEATH him while he stands in knee high water.. Genius! To help you fully understand the sheer stupidity of this scene I took the liberty of sketching it;

Eventually the Internet will replace Television entirely until we’re all sitting around a 42” Laptop with a keyboard the size of your gran. Pioneering this is YouTube which now has fully registered TV programme’s including a programme I saw yesterday entitled “Britain’s deadliest Addictions” Odd title itself as it sort of implies we invented Crack.

The Premise is simple, throw 3 addicts in a wired rehab facility and watch them suffer recover. After watching the first episode let me tell you Human suffering Isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, it’s boring as hell. Oh don’t get me wrong it’s depressing and all that, but the producers are relying on 24 minutes of solid sob story to carry Them from start to Finnish. It’s like watching X factor audition’s without the singing. I mean if you want to make a fly on the wall camera show that profits from The misery of severely unstable crack addicts, for the love of god makes it fun!

Take Tony the resident alcoholic, he could use some exercise right? Construct an elaborate obstacle course in the back garden. At the end it can have a bottle of Smirnoff tied to a string, Fun? You bet! Entertaining? Hell yes. And the look On Tony’s face as he wrestles open the lid to find it’s actually Volvic? Priceless.